finding happiness and beauty in the small things in life with you

01st august 2021

having been through my fair share of bad ones, , i realised looking back that every time i was in a relationship, i shaped, changed and hid parts of myself to fit that relationship and that person, a toxic trait i know. this was why when my last long-term relationship ended i decided that my next long-term relationship would be with someone who would allow me to feel, explore and live myself without having to run the same toxic trait as i had previously.

this always left me with a certain image that sat in my mind whenever i thought about what i wanted from the new relationship i craved so much. the 2020 oscars, not long after the long-term relationship mentioned ended and subsequently turned toxic and before the world turned to shit, through all the videos and images, one stood out and resonated with me. joaquin phoenix celebrating his win for 2019’s joker with his partner rooney mara, not with a glamorous after party but simply enjoying each other’s company with a bite to eat.

c Greg Williams

i looked at this image a lot. two of my favourite actors from one of my favourite films, 2013’s her and joaquin’s aforementioned 2019 joker. at first, my bisexual brain went to how amazing they both looked, how smart casual they looked, especially with mara in those converse with that fluffy dress, and phoenix looking smarter but still so casual, which made my brain shift to relationship mode.

this image showed the kind of relationship i dreamed of. one of friendship, of love, of simplicity, most of all, of comfort. it showed the kind of relationship with someone where you can feel comfortable within each other’s company, with being yourself and feeling yourself while together, and clearly of finding happiness and beauty in the small things, like enjoying food on some steps after a big win at the oscars of all places.

from the moment seeing that image, i went forward knowing that is what i wanted from a relationship. i was looking for someone who would let me be me, and explore who i am, feel how i feel, and not have to supress anything. i wanted someone who i could find happiness and beauty in the small things with.

surprisingly, that proved to be a struggle. humans put too much focus on the ‘type’ thing. the ‘what’s your type?’ and the ‘you’re not my type’ and everything that comes in between. saying that, i do have what i would have thought as an ideal type like we all do, but i have always believed in finding not what you want, but what you need. think of it like this, i want to move away to the coast, but i need money to do that, or i want to write a novel, but i need the motivation to do so. to me, that same logic applies for relationships.

i was focused on looking for what i wanted, that when i met the person i found out a year later i ended up needing, it came as a beautiful, unexpected miracle.

yes, on paper, she may not be my ‘type’ by all those standards. but from the moment we first met, i flicked back to that picture of phoenix and mara in my mind, and i knew i had found someone that i could have a relationship like that with. i knew i had found someone who i could connect with on a deeper level, letting me feel and explore myself and feel comfortable in a relationship with. i had found someone who i could open up to and talk about how i really felt whether that be about mental health and how my depression and anxiety seemed to have gotten worse over the course of pandemic, or how i felt lost having not known what to do in life and losing interest in the things i love, or even in my sexuality, and how i had started questioning whether i could possibly be non-binary to allow me to feel more comfortable with the other side of myself, alongside being bisexual.

i love you

it’s with this beautiful human, that i felt the first time we met, that i would be able to do just what i set out to do, to find happiness and beauty in the small things in life, and i still do a year on.

this past year with you has had its downs, from horrible sickening moments caused by other people or bad mental health days or even our depression sessions at the train station though they were also good, but we’ve also had our many many ups. from doing something fun like going on trips, or shopping or playing mini golf in the cold and wet of skegness in september, or bowling or the many other activities we’ve done, to doing absolutely nothing at all, just staying in, lying in bed, sat in the kitchen or outside on a cold night, laying on the floor the first few times we met to break the ice, you doing your thing and me doing mine.

i’ve realised through all these times, why i love you, a question you ask often, and i feel that the simplest way to answer is how i’ve put it through this entire thing. i find happiness and beauty in the little things with you. everything i wanted in a relationship; i’ve found with you. through happy times, sad times and everything in between. i continue to find the little things that make me smile everyday with you, even when we’re apart.

like now, it’s 4:00am on 1st august 2021. i’m at home having rearranged my desk to make myself feel more comfortable and open, with a chill playlist on having just planned a short story to write and having drank a record two cups of tea tonight. you’re away on holiday at butlins in skegness, hopefully having a good time, even if you have made it clear you do miss me and to be honest, i miss you too. you’ll be asleep by now, ready for another day of activities with the family and i’ll no doubt sleep the entire morning while you do. we tried to facetime earlier, but your signal wasn’t having it, so we called instead. we did nothing at all, and yet, i enjoyed every moment of it. a call with you made my entire day, getting to hear you and see you, i found happiness and beauty in that small thing.

which makes me think of the car journey back from bridlington last week, and how i felt then. you don’t know it, but i was having a bit of a tough time in the head that day, and so i had my chill bookshop vibes playlist on and let my head fill itself with all the thoughts it wanted to, and that’s when i remembered about finding the happiness and beauty in the small things with you, and so i looked over at you, holding your hand, and watched that amazing sunset through your window, looking back at you every now and again, and realising that the small things like an amazing sunset, are made even better with you.

that trip is one i’m thankful for being brought on, because it was a needed break from my own head and feeling trapped in the house and city that i love, but let me be with you by the seaside, one of the small things i find happiness in. it’s also one that we took a picture at that gives me the same vibe as the picture i talked about at the beginning.

when i bought you an ice cream and we were walking, i took it to send to mother but in that moment looking at it, i knew it was a small moment that i found happiness in being with you, doing pretty much nothing.

it shows the type of relationship i always wanted, one of friendship, love, simplicity, comfort and those small things that mean so much.

if that one picture can show so much, after a year together, then what does the future hold.

where will we be next year.

i don’t really know, and i doubt you do either, but i do know that if it’s me and you against the world, then i’m alright with that, because at the end of the day that’s the best feeling to me.

after our trip to york on the train for my birthday, , and the trip to bridlington and scarborough the past weekend, i hope we travel more this year. i hope we explore all the small things that we can find beauty and happiness in together. i hope we keep talking about what life will be like together in the future. about all the pets we’ll have and where we’ll live and all those plans you have for a wedding and kids and planning our house in ikea and everything else we already do.

most of all, i hope we keep the relationship we have now, full of love and fun and openness. you’ve given me a reason to live again, to fight through the dark days of depression or anxiety or panic attacks or even the suicidal thoughts. you make me feel okay when i don’t like myself, when i feel bad about money or not doing something i want to like write, or when i look in the mirror and i hate the person who looks back and it makes me cry, but all you have to say is ‘you pretty’ and that changes my entire perspective because i see myself in your eyes. you make life worth living, and you make me see the small and beautiful things to be happy in.

who knows what the life to come will be like, but if it’s anything like this year, i know it will be amazing if it’s with you, through ups, downs and everything in between. but i am so thankful for this past year with you, and i look forward to the many more we’ll have.

i love you holly, i always will no matter what, but you already know that.

happy anniversary, and enjoy the blog you’ve always wanted me to write. enjoy this selection of my favourite pictures of us, we've been taking better ones lately.