| the impending realisation of feeling alone when you know that you aren't |

. . . 2020 is a year of change to me, some of which I have already started to make in the past few months of last year. The three major aspects of my life that 2019 changed for me came in the form of;

Signing up and getting through a semester of uni, something I never said I would do, in the pursuit of getting back on the path I have always wanted to travel down and getting back my passion for film and for creativity.

Opening up more about my sexuality, knowing for a while that I’ve never been fully straight, like 50/50 bread, I started to open up more about how I felt in that regard, through a simple pride T-shirt, I started to feel more comfortable in that fact that, in reality, I like either side of the spectrum. Whether someone identifies as female or male or even anything else, I don’t really care, it's all about the person to me and not what they are.

Not to get into too much detail, but I would never see myself being sexual with a man the same way I do with a female, but in terms of relationships, I am open to that. Finally, after just over 10 years of figuring out and having silent battles with myself, I figured out what my mental health was and decided that to better myself, I would be I need of counselling, especially with taking the leap to start uni and wanting to figure out the simple question ‘Who The Fuck Is Adam Nowadays?’ I did the ‘Humiliating’ Thing of signing myself up for counselling at the uni that I’m at after spending nearly an hour of my tutors time spilling everything I had wrapped up in my head and laying it out on the table. This simple act in a moment when my defences were down have lead to a self-journey of bettering myself and answering that exact question, though I am only at the start of this journey and there are still many hurdles to face, I know that I’m ready to face them now. All of these three aspects I sure I'll discuss and dedicate whole posts to at some point, but to acknowledge that they exist and I am wanting to come to terms and realise them and their potential as a part of me throughout the past, present and future is a huge step for me, and its something that this chapter of my life will be taken up with. Its time for me to explore the aforementioned question ‘Who The Fuck Is Adam Nowadays?’ and also ‘Whats to come for the man known as Adam?’

. . . Now comes the second part of the title, The impending realisation of feeling alone when you know that you aren’t. This is something that for now I just want to touch on because it does deserve its own conversation, but for now, I want to acknowledge its existence. In the wake of what has happened over the past few months, I have come to realise a feeling buried deep that I hate to acknowledge but I know I have to. This feeling is something that everyone feels, whether that be every day or sometimes on a cold winter night in the middle of December when all you want is a good cuddle. Whichever spectrum of thought you’re on, everyone feels that impending moment of loneliness. That feeling of sinking at the thought of being alone, even if the reality is that you are not alone. I have been feeling this very feeling every day for a long while now, and the bags of guilt that come with knowing it's not exactly true. I have my core three, my mother, my brother and my neighbour/best friend of 20+ years/sister from another mister, and in essence that is all I need for now, anything else is a bonus. With this change in myself, they have seen me open up in ways that they never would have thought that I would, well at least I hope they have. They’ve seen my downfalls and my moments of power firsthand and have always been there to listen to me moan about it for days on end, but in the knowledge that I’m finally opening up and showing a side of me that I don’t often show. The same can be said for the outer circle, for example, the people in my class at uni, who accept and acknowledge that I’m there, even if I don’t feel there myself and include me in any and all conversations, even if it's just to give me an anchor to feel grounded to when I’m spaced out, or the neighbours that are like a family to me, who have seen me grow from the little kid who once was to whatever I have become now, I mean the list to those people are endless. And with this feeling obviously comes the guilt. The guilt comes from two things for me, the people I have now, and the ones I’ve lost up to this point. I feel guilty for feeling so alone knowing that there is a large number of people who are always there for me and I know I can count on whatever time of the day or night. In wanting to not feel like a burden to them, I sometimes have a habit of talking myself down or pushing myself away a little, and I know I shouldn’t do that. Which leads me on to the people I’ve lost up to this point. I could name a few names of people that, if I had the chance to travel in a certain blue police box, I would go back and do a lot of things differently to prevent the split between us, but in this mental journey I have to realise that what has happened up to now can’t be helped, its what I decide to do now that makes the difference, and where part of my is conflicted and says I should forget about them, the other part of me wants to get in contact with them again, or at least the ones I could name, and see whether the saying goes and time does heal, even if the past isn’t forgotten, at least see if the future can be different. That leads me to my final point, why the fuck am I actually feeling so lonely? And to that it is a simple answer, I am surrounded by love from so many different people, people that care about me and my wellbeing, and I will never forget that even if I try to fight the thought and overthink it, but there are two pieces to this puzzle that are missing. One is the love for myself. I find that, as of late, I’ve been in the habit of putting myself down more and more, for example within myself or the way I look or the work that I do or even what I do in the day, sometimes small things like spending all day playing video-games can make me hate myself, which is why on this journey I want to find a self-love again, and start to feel comfortable in being me, and figuring out who me is, as a creator, a friend, a soon to be 21 year old… just a plain old human really. This is a hard piece to find, and it takes years of work, but once it's slotted into the puzzle, it makes life a whole lot better. The other aspect of the puzzle that is missing is of course… a relationship. There is something about a relationship, the closeness of it, that I realise I have always wanted, just never had. Doing it Scott Pilgrim style, ramona than scott>ramona than scott> I’m 7 exes down, and each one I realise hasn’t had all the aspects I look for in a relationship. Each one has only met one or even less of the four aspects I see in a relationship, Interests, Friendship, Romantic Attraction and Sexual Attraction. It is a challenge to find, but in an entire world made up of billions of people, there has to be at least one that fits all four categories, and that is what I intend to find. Or if not, at least someone that will take one for the team and choose me instead. But the loneliness I feel comes from the loneliness of not having somebody to cuddle up with and watch films all night or to go out on dates with, or just to fill the space that I no longer want to occupy on my own. And I have learnt from many past experiences not to settle for something that isn’t right, because it can be intolerable on someone's mental health, and I’ve had my fair share of that. From now on, I look for what's right for me and not just go through with things because I need to fill that void with something and suffer in the process. But enough of that loved up shit.

. . . This year will be a journey, full of highs and lows. I’m finding out who I am and bettering myself. I’m doing what I love and have always wanted to do. I’m looking for the things I want, properly this time. I’m working on new projects, such as writing and films and streaming on Twitch and maybe a podcast or two. I’m going to be going abroad for the first time ever, which I’m sure will be the start of many more trips and adventures. I turn 21 which is a number that I never thought id reach, nor did I ever want to reach. I want to sort out and start driving. I want to read more. The list goes on. And hey, I might even actually write on this blog now and then, like I’ve supposed to have been doing for the past god knows how many years. But for now, this is Adam signing off.